A Girl’s Gotta Do What a Girl’s Gotta Do
I reached a new low this weekend at our Hamptons house. There was quite the spread for our dinner guests, Aged Cheese, Sesame Crackers, Guacamole, Tortilla Chips, Salsa, Sauteed Sugar Snap Peas, and the ‘pièce de résistance’ Barbequed Tequila/Lime Marinated Turkey Breast.
It smelled divine, but apparently none of it was meant for me, so I had to take matters into my own hands and snarf leftover bits from the garbage. It wasn’t pretty, but I got what I wanted.
Okay I admit it, I love sniffing tush.
And where is the absolute best place to do so? It’s a no brainer… the dog park, of course. Total access in a confined space. What more could a ‘tushyist’ like myself ask for? I call it pretty darn close to heaven.
It’s just like High School. There are the popular ones (that would be me in my younger days. I was known as Ms. Perky.) Everyone paid attention to me. I was constantly on the move and in the center of the action. Now I just lurk in the corners waiting for an available tush to come my way. I then go stealth, sneak up from behind and go in for a good whiff, then dash away, because my tush, by the way, is off limits at all times.
There are the jocks (the ones with the biggest balls and chewy toys) who dominate the park, swagger about, and hump everyone in sight, the drama queens (the ones who whine and moan about not getting a chance to play with any toys) but, then, given the chance, think the toys are too disgusting to put in their mouths. I’ve actually seen Moms and Dads at the park using plastic bags to pick up balls. Can you believe it? Such sissies!
The nerds (the ones who are always picked on) who huddle in small bunches in corners and appear to not be doing much of anything, but are actually creating the next wave of something cool that will take over the world, the teachers pets (we know who they are) sucking up to anyone giving away doggy treats, then scoot away and hide under benches or behind trees.
I just love the dog park, even though I’d never, ever, want to go back to High School.
It’s My Way or the Highway
I’ve got a mind of my own. If I don’t feel like going for a walk
or to the nail salon for the umpteenth time, I’ve got sure-fire
tactics to ‘get what I want, when I want it!’
I make a scene – a really big fuss.
I do so loudly, and in public, preferably with women,
and children around.
I stop short, dig in my heels and don’t budge,
and top it off with the best (Oscar worthy)
fake coughing, choking and gagging in the business.
Point made, I put on my widest, toothiest smile
and sashay away whistling ‘I did it my way.’
The Roxie Wag 